


Pink Diamond Galactic Doctor Phil

by Calicornia



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Soundcloud Rapper!Sadie, Space Cancun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-07-07 06:38:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15902898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calicornia/pseuds/Calicornia
Summary: Being done with her shit, the Crystal Gems and the Diamonds take Pink Diamond to Galactic Doctor Phil.





	1. Welcome to Galactic Doctor Phil

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Galactic Doctor Phil falls under parody law.

On this new episode of Galactic Doctor Phil: A rebel princess knocked up by a former rockstar, her son turning to a life of crime, and him basically becoming Jesus.

[Images of Pink Diamond and Rose Quartz flashing across the screen.]

[Camera cuts to Greg] "Look," Greg fidgeted with his skullet, "I don't know anything about this gem stuff! I just want to drive my van and teach kids how to play guitar!"

Watch, as his friend's lives are torn apart.

[Screen cuts to Lars] "I haven't been able to get a b*ner since I died." The cotton candy haired dude said, "Imagine being stuck on a ship with a buncha alien babes and not being able to f*ck them."

An identity change so severe that it killed millions.

[Camera cuts to Blue and Yellow Diamond] "I can't believe she was what we were fighting this whole time!"

The drama ensues.

* * *

"Hello everybody!" A middle aged balding man walked onstage, "It's me! Galactic Doctor Phil! And joining us today are: Steven Universe, Greg Universe, The Crystal Gems, some ugly teenagers, and The Diamonds! There's many guests today, so we decided that if there's a big enough fight they can duke it out in the middle of the stage! Now, who wants to go first!"

"I will." A voice echoed from the roof, it was none other than Yellow Diamond. Her stern face bore into Steven, telling him that she knows he's been eating sugar when he's not supposed to, "Pink, what you've done could've been solved if you just told us to colonize another planet. The Milky Way Galaxy has 8 other planets." Steven shuffled in his seat, unsure of what to say.

"I..." Tears welled up in Steven's eyes, "It was my mom that did all that stuff..."

"FOR THE LOVE OF WHITE!" Yellow grabbed the bridge of her nose, "What in White's name is a mom!?"

"Maaaan..." Sour Cream lit his bong, "A mom is someone you love and trust. Someone who's there for you when the drugs hit a little too hard. Someone who you slide outta naked, screaming for answers." The whole room went quiet.

"Uh," Galactic Doctor Phil pulled his collar, "Ms. White Diamond: What are your thoughts on this?"

"I think Pink just needs to grow up and stop playing pretend." White's piercing gaze stared directly at the camera. Her body so gargantuan, there was no chair to hold her. "I know you are in there, Pink."

"DON'T YOU DARE INSULT MY BABY LIKE THAT!" Pearl yelled upwards, "STEVEN'S BEEN SHRINKING, YES, BUT HUMAN'S HAVE A CONDITION WHERE THEIR SPINE CURVES AND MAKES THEM SHORTER."

"Who is this Steven?" White Diamond leaned down, "All I see is a pretty Pink Diamond."

"Well," Galactic Doctor Phil coughed, "Uh, Ms. White I don't think you understand the concept of 'having a child'."

"And you don't seem to understand the concept of intelligence."

[The whole audience claps]

"Settle down now, settle down." GDP adjusted his tie, "What I think you all need to do is get out what's been bothering you about little Steven here, just so I understand."

"He's been taking on too much responsibility." Garnet adjusted her visor, "I bought him some 'video games' recommended by the 'cool kids' but he never wants to play them. I'm concerned that he thinks he should be responsible for Pink's past actions."

[Several audience members nod]

"Pink, uh, Steven, or whatever, has shown great disrespect towards us." Yellow Diamond gripped Blue Diamond's hand, "She should've stopped this cruel façade years ago."

"Steven could've brought Sadie, my friends, or hell, my parents to see me." The pink teenager rolled his eyes, "But who does he bring? Another sh*thead child that I can't smoke weed infront of."

"Speaking of me," Sadie said softly, "Steven convinced me making a Soundcloud would be the right thing to do after my boyfriend.-ish died in the vaccuum of space. Scum Gaaaaang..."

"I think you guys should try this sh*t!" Amethyst passed the bong to Peridot, "I never knew humans had such good drugs!"

"B-but guys! I didn't mean to do any of those things!" Steven sung out, "I'm really sorry!" 

"It's okay Steven." Lapis pat his back, "Let's just go to the moon or some shit."

"Oh hell no." GDP held up a contract stating he gets their time for one hour, "Keep airing them grievences."

Connie raised her hand, patiently waiting for her turn.

"Yes little girl?" GDP asked earnestly, "Connie, was it?"

"Yes." Connie fidgeted with her hands, "I feel like Steven has a habit of forgetting what's important. Yeah, he cares deeply about his friends and family, but he left a teenage boy to rot in space. We didn't even get to see him do all the cool sh*t he told us he did. Like how Parapadscha was able to tell them the location of Emerald so they had ample time to steal the ship. Or how they went to Space Cancun and got wasted. What about the Cluster and the Geode, Steven? The Gem temples you always tell me about? Why haven't you shown me curse words in Gem? Steven, I love you, but please think of what would be f*cking cool for once."

"Steven?" GDP looked at the crying boy, "Do you need a break?"

"M-maybe." Steven wiped away his tears, "I could go for some Cookie Cats right now."

[GDP guides Steven off stage, the audience cheering]

"Alright," GDP returns and straightens his back, "got anymore complaints?"

"Steven wouldn't let me harass his family, or murder Lars in cold blood." Ronaldo whined.

"Ronaldo," Lars glared in the man's direction. "I will rip your f*cking liver out of your urethra if you don't shut the f*ck up."

"I'd like to see you try," Ronaldo magical girl transformed into Koala Prince, "f*cker!"

"Woah Woah Woah!" GDP ran on screen, "We're approaching the commerical break! Save the fighting for after our sponsors fellas!" GDP broke up the fight, and turned towards the audience, "Who will win: Cotton Candy or French Fries? Cast your votes now!"

[Commercial break ensues]

 


	2. Mom Fuck Mania

[Commercial Break Ends]

"Hi, welcome back to Galactic Doctor Phil." The quack stated as he walked on stage.

[Chair flies across the screen]

"STOP SAYING YOU F*CKED MY MOM, RONALDO!" An echo emitted from the center of the stage. It appears it's now a double episode.

"Whelp." GDP hollered, "Seems like there's a new layer to this whole schtick."

[Screen cuts to Buck Dewey lounging on a couch behind the scenes, the lighting much softer]

"I don't know of a mom that Ronaldo HASN'T f*cked." Buck adjusted his glasses and slouched, "I guess Lars is taking this personally because he believed his mom was a faithful virgin. Poor guy."

[Screen cuts to Vidalia, her hands clasped together, her face noticably anxious]

"I guess I should be 100% honest with you all." The aged woman sighed, "I wasn't faithful to Marty, and cheated on him with Yellowtail. I thought I found true love... but... I guess I wasn't faithful to him either."

[Screen pans to Yellowtail, who is sitting next to his wife, his arms crossed and his face pouty]

"Agfnfhakslghejgh." Yellowtail grunted, "Agjeghnshnn."

[Screen cut to Lars, sitting on a futon, barely containing his tears]

"MY MOM HAS NEVER HAD S*X IN HER LIFE!" The teenage boy gripped his pants, "I HATE MY F*CKING L-" 

[Screen cuts to an image of Ronaldo standing on the sidewalk, trees looming above him. His attire consists of a short-sleeved white button shirt and white capri shorts]

"You know I had to do it to 'em." Ronaldo stated, his hands clasped at his waist."

"Wait!" Jenny shouted, "If you've had s*x with EVERY mom, then, does that mean?" High heels clacked against the floor, a visceral fear filled the young woman, "NANAFUA!?"

"Every Wednesday!" The old lady plomped her ass on a gucci stool next to Galactic Doctor Phil, "This p*ssy isn't called the pizza deliverer for nothin'!" 

[Galactic Doctor Phil gestured his camera crew to play a video provided by PornHub]

[Video of Nanafua getting her Nanas Fua'd by Ronaldo]

"Damn!" Galactic Doctor Phil shouted behind his giant galactic moustache, "I haven't seen a grandma that excited since Bed, Bath and Beyond had a Black Friday Sale!" 

[The Audience has a mixed reaction]

"C'mon there's no way he's f*cked EVERY mom!" Sadie said as she pat Lars's back, but as she said that.... 

"Sweetie..." Barbara Miller entered the Thunderdome, "You aren't gonna like this..."

"MOM!?" Sadie audiably gasped, it just wasn't possible. Disgust washed through the repressed sl*t's face, "But... RONALDO? Why can't you just be normal and f*ck the mailman or something?"

 "The mailman cries during s*x." Barbara brushed her bangs from her eyes, "I needs me a tough man like Ronaldo, who only talks about his conspiracy theories while making sweet, sweet love." Sadie gagged repeatedly.

[The audience all shouts]

"Well Lars..." The young woman scratched her Soundcloud tattoo, "I guess it aint so bad if both our moms have f*cked Ronaldo."

"But your mom is HOT Sadie!" The 'space captain' without his PhD screeched, tears pooled around his knees. Or it might've been p*ss. Probably both.

"Oh I beg to differ." Ronaldo winked at the camera.

[The audience applauds uproariously]

The camera panned to Priyanka, who was there the whole time to cover her daughter's ears.

"Yes," Priyanka sighed deeply, "I let him [censored for live television] in my p[censored]."

Lars felt the world come apart: the stock market was crashing, people rioting in the streets, and his mom... No...

"She has to be a virgin!" Lars wiped his tears with his cape, "I will only listen to her!" The whole stage is quiet, the Diamonds have fallen asleep, the Crystal Gems playing strip poker, and Steven and Connie have been sent outside to prevent their innocence from being any more lost.

"Laramie..." A familiar voice sung out, and the familiar sight of his mother graced his vision, "I'm sorry." Martha Barriga was in a full wedding gown.

"B-but," Lars cried out, his mother kneeled down and pulled him in for a hug.

"I'm getting a divorce with your father." The woman stroked her son's hair, "My new name will be..."

"No!" Lars tightly gripped his mother, "Please don't do this to me! I can't take it!"

"I'm Martha Fryman now."

[The audience gasps]

The mother carassed her son, tears pouring from both of their eyes. Sadie held out her phone to record the event for a background track.

"Well Lars," A smug voice stated as he walked over, "I guess that's Dadnaldo to you."

"Uh," GDP looked at his watch, "Time for another commercial break!"

[Commercial break ensues]


	3. Rose Quartz's Biggest Secret

[Commercial break ends]

"Hey everybody, and welcome back to Galactic Doctor Phil." GDP shouted, "We have had a slight change of form, by ignoring the main reason why we're here and diving into one man's addiction to pounding milf coochie."

[Screen flashes a picture of the Fryman family]

"I think my problem is rooted in the fact that when I was around 12 years old," A voiceover of Ronaldo played, "Lars told me 'kys, normie scum' on Xbox live."

[Image of Lars and Ronaldo eating at Chuck E. Cheese at age 11, depression radiating off of the costumed man serving them pizza]

"Ever since then, I obtained the insatiable desire to f*ck people's moms, but especially Lars's mom."

[Picture of Martha at age 42, looking like a MILF in her prime]

[Screen cuts to Sadie's chair] 

"I mean..." Sadie side-eyed her emotionally broken fuck buddy, "Martha is kinda sexy..."

[Cut to Sadie sitting on the futon post show]

"I didn't want to say it then, but sometimes when Lars and I do the horizontal Monster Mash I close my eyes and pretend he's Martha wearing a strap." Sadie scratched her neck.

[Cut to Yellow Diamond's chair] 

"Excuse me? Mr. Galactic Doctor Phil?" Yellow straightened her back.

"Yessum?" GDP asked.

"Why are we discussing this... human's addiction to pounding 'milf coochie'?" Yellow questioned, "We came here to discipline Pink Diamond, right?"

Galactic Doctor Phil laughed.

"I don't know about you, but I'd rather learn about the lives of some boring townies than the intricacies of an alien empire that's far beyond our technological grasp!" Galactic Doctor Phil wiped a single tear from his eye. The balding man walked over and put his arm around Sadie.

"So," GDP asked, "you gonna put out a song about this on Soundcloud, Ms. Sadie Killer?"

"Yes," Sadie nodded, "I just came up with the Title 'Schrodinger's Mom: If a Milf Exists and Ronaldo Doesn't Dick Her Down, is She Really a Milf?"

[Cut to Greg]

"Hey wait a minute, Rose Quartz was a Milf!" Greg stood up and pointed at Ronaldo, "What did you do to my giant woman!?"

"Ugh," Ronaldo rolled his eyes, "I wasn't old enough to have s*x back then, you weirdo. Besides, Rose isn't attractive to me for some reason."

[The Audience gasps as a figure walks in]

"Son," Mr. Fryman said, "We need to talk."

"There's no way you're getting married to Martha too!" Ronaldo pulled out his katana, "She's getting ready for our wedding during the commercial break!"

"No," Mr. Fryman sat on the chair GDP pulled up for him, "I mean to tell you why you don't want to fuck Rose Quartz."

[The audience goes quiet]

"Rose Quartz is your mother." Mr. Fryman held his head down in shame, "About six years before Greg "Murderc*ck" Universe got to her, I tapped that." 

"Oh?" Ronaldo smiled smugly, "Am I?"

"There's no way he is!" Greg stood up and stomped towards Fryman, "I was Rose's first love! Not you!"

"First love," Fryman coughed, "Not first f*ck."

"Oh really!?" Greg fumed, "If Ronaldo really is Rose's son, why didn't he inherit a gem!?"

"Greg," Fryman folded his hands infront of his mouth, "when a man and a woman have missionary sex with the lights off for the sole purpose of procreation, and they are successful, there is a chance that the child will inherit more genes from one parent than the other." Fryman sighed, "Ronaldo got around 90% of my genes, 9% of Roses, and 1% genetic mutation."

Greg gripped his hand, Rose first lied about her identity, now this? No. There's no way!

"Don't worry!" GDP yelled, "I have called on Galactic Maury."

[Galactic Maury enters]

"Hey there!" GM guided Steven back onstage, "I'm Galactic Maury and I just DNA sampled all of you!" GM pulled out an envelope, "Steven/Rose/Pink, YOU are the mother! Somehow!"

[Audience claps]

"Nanafua," Galactic Maury turned his head towards the elderly woman, "you are one hot piece of grandma ass!"

"Damn straight!" Nanafua's bodyguards polished her nails and massaged her feet. Meanwhile, in the background, Mr. Fryman was pelted in the face with a chair. The Greg V. Fryman fight has initiated.

"White Diamond!" The Homeworld Supreme Leader jolted at the sound of GM shouting her name, "You are pregnant!" The Crystal Gems and the Diamonds returned to reality. Finally, something interesting.

Greg suplexed Mr. Fryman into the center of the Thunderdome.

"B*STARD!" Greg drove his elbow into Fryman's heart, "I can't believe Rose lied to me!"

"Then why are you blaming me!" Mr. Fryman shouted between slaps. Greg kneed the other man in the fupa.

"Because for some reason human beings like to perceive their partners in an idealized light rather than accept betrayal!" The baldette tossed Fryman into Amethyst's chair, "We'd rather blame someone who was merely involved and we have less attachment to!"

[Audience goes "ooooo" while the townies watch in bated breath]

"I'M TIRED OF SITTING HERE, AND DOING NOTHING!" Peridot jumped out of her chair and into the thunderdome, "COME AT ME MOTHERCL*DDERS!" Fryman's fist met with the neon green alien's face. Greg pirouetted behind the two and slammed a chair sideways into Fryman's face, knocking him out cold.

[Camera pans to Sadie and Lars]

"Geez man," Sadie elbowed her emotionally exhausted friend with benefits (just kidding their friendship has no benefits), "who do you think is going to win?"

"My depression." Her friend did not flinch in the slightest to the violence they were beholding.

"THE FUTURE IS NOW, OLD MAN!" Peridot used her metal bending on Greg, tossing him through the roof.

[Galactic Doctor Phil comes out of hiding]

"Well," GDP stated, "We unfortunately gotta go to commercials, but stay tuned, this is a special commercial break!"

[Here Comes the Bride starts playing]

"It's the first Galactic Doctor Phil episode to feature an onstage wedding!"

[Commercial Break ensues]


	4. Commercial Break: The Wedding

[Commercial Break begins with Here Comes the Bride]

[Everyone is sitting in rows rather than in a circle, Greg is still stuck in the ceiling]

"Hello!" Galactic Doctor Phil combed his mustache, "Welcome to the first ever wedding to take place on the Galactic Doctor Phil set! We are here to officiate the wedding between Ronaldo Fryman and Martha Barriga!"

[Audience cheers as Ronaldo walks onstage, he greets the audience by bowing]

"I'm so glad to be here right now!" Ronaldo smiled, "I can't wait to f*ck my wife at least five times tonight!"

[Audience uproariously cheers]

"Ronaldo walks to the uhhh," Ronaldo walks to the place where the groom stands, "to the place where the groom stands."

Lars sat with his hands on his face, depressed. Sadie was positioning his head for a good angle, she needed a cover for her Soundcloud single: 'Schrodinger's Mom: If a Milf Exists and Ronaldo Doesn't Dick Her Down, is She Really a Milf?'.

"AHEM?" Ronaldo poked his step-son's head, "You need to officiate our vows!" Ronaldo pulled Lars up by the arm, and positioned him where the priest stands. "Don't worry son," Ronaldo put his hand on Lars's shoulder, "I will be a good father to you."

[Here Comes the Bride (metal cover) starts playing]

[Martha walks onstage, her wedding gown 20 feet long and her makeup light. Red lipstick and brown eye shadow carefully placed on her visage. Her flats clacked against the stage, giving Mayor Dewey an erection]

[Martha and Ronaldo join hands]

"W-we," Lars sniffled, "We gather he-he-here today..." The disaster of a young adult wiped his tears with his cape, "T-to..." Lars thought of his father, on the ube fields. He was weeping. Weeping with teenage rebellion, weeping with regret, weeping, weeping, weeping. And as Ronaldo's hands griped Martha's, he knew at last who the tenth worst character in Steven Universe was. The tenth worst character in Steven Universe, was him.

The door of the stadium burst open.

"LARS YOU F*CKING DISGUSTING MEATBAG!" Emerald stomped towards the scene, Padparadscha in hand, "YOU LEFT ME IN SPACE CANCUN WITH A 5,000,000 EURO BILL AND A BUNCH OF ANGRY SPACE HOOKERS!"

"Space hookers?" Ronaldo turned his head towards Emerald, "Was there any space milfs?"

"Excuse me?" Martha glared at her new husband.

"Babe," Ronaldo grabbed Martha's arms, "I'm sorry, I thought I already f*cked every milf. I can't miss out on the space milfs!"

"WHATEVER F*CKERS!" Emerald slams her stiletto on stage. Padparadscha is thrown into the ceiling of the thunderdome. "WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERF*CKERS IS CAPTAIN D*CKFACE? ALL YOU HUMANS LOOK THE SAME TO ME."

Lars wasted no time.

"This one right here!" He pointed at his new step-father, "This is Captain D*ckface!" A green hand extended and snatched Ronaldo from the stage.

"YOU'RE GOING TO SPACE JAIL FOR A LONG TIME," Emerald ran off with Ronaldo in hand, "F*CKER!"

Padparadscha fell from the ceiling and into center stage.

"I predict that Captain Lars just got his first erection in several months!" Padparadscha gripped her hands in glee.

[The audience has a mixed reaction, laughter and applause]

"God f*cking dammit." The 'space captain' walked to the right and off the stage, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the restroom for the next 30 minutes." Sadie got out of her chair and ran after him. "Okay never mind, it'll be 10."

[GDP angrily trudges to the center of the Thunderdome]

"Well someone's gotta get married!" GDP taps his foot, "Or else I'll be more than 50% hack!"

[Greg falls down from the ceiling]

"Ah! Perfect!"

"Sorry." Greg brushed himself off, "I'm only into thick b*tches." The man walked back to his chair.

GDP tapped his foot angrily, there was still 5 minutes of commercial break left. He needed to think of something, and quick.

"You!" GDP pointed towards Bill Dewey, "I hereby assign you as this MILF's new boytoy!"

[Camera turns to an estactic Bill Dewey]

"Boy am I glad!" Bill ran up and grabbed Martha by the waist, "Do you take me as your husband?"

"Yes." Martha and Bill share a tender kiss, and Buck shed a single tear.

The gems are all discussing interesting matters, but who cares about that?

[Commercial break ends]


	5. White Diamond is Unbreakable

"Welcome back to Galactic Doctor Phil!" The balding man sweat, Yellow Diamond held the man in her fist.

"Listen here, Phil." She brought the TV Show host to her face, "We will discuss Pink Diamond's actions this instant. Have I made myself clear?"

"Y-yessum."

Yellow placed GDP on the hardwood floor.

"Now Pink Diamond." Yellow lifted Steven in her palm, "Why would you lie to us like this?"

Steven twiddled his thumbs, like, what the f*ck? 

"Miss!" Connie poked YD's boot, "Think of him as only half of Pink! He's basically a permanent fusion!"

"You KNOW how I feel about that sort of thing, Pink." Yellow Diamond sneered at the thought of her Pink fusing with a lesser gem disgusted her.

"Ms. Yellow Sexy Diamond," GDP decided to step in and do his job, "I think you should stop being so homophobic and accept your child for who he is. You can't change who he is, and trying to make him change will only make him hate you."

[Audience cheers]

"As if a human could know what it's like." Yellow placed Steven down, "Having a child who fuses with someone less intelligent, strong, or graceful."

"Oh trust me, I know how it feels." Galactic Doctor Phil stared deeply into Yellow Diamond's eyes, "My daughter is dating a galactic juggalo."

"I have the special ability to manifest jars of strawberry jelly directly on my d*ck." Greg blurted out.

"Yellow." Blue grabbed her wife(?)'s shoulder, "I think we should just accept Pink... er... Steven for who he is now. Even if we don't understand it. Maybe we've been too harsh..."

"Yeah." Garnet turned away from Monopoly,  "Your views on fusion are extremely backwards. And Steven is a special case, he's as if you compressed a gem into something new."

"I think Garnet is definitely right." Galactic Doctor Phil Galactic Doctored.

"Well I can still feel her prescence." White Diamond chimed in with a haven't you people ever heard of, unfusing on this floor.

"Oh yeah," GDP remembered, "who the h*ll got you pregnant anyways?"

"I can't remember." White Diamond stated, "All these humans look the same."

[Everyone turns to Padparadscha]

"I predict...."

[Everyone leans in closer]

"That it was a human male!" Padparadscha clapped her hands together.

"You dumb b*tch." Peridot woke up from her slumber, and yawned, "Which human male?"

"A human male who appeared here today!"

"Okay!" Peridot got up to yell in Pad's face, "But which f*cking one of them!?"

"One of them!" Pad smiled wide, her face bearing no malicious intent.

[Audience goes 'awwwww']

"EXCUSE ME!" Yellow Diamond zapped both Peridot and Padparadscha, poofing them, "Get us back to the point, Galactic Doctor Phil."

"Actually Ms. Yellow Sexy Diamond," Galactic Doctor Phil brushed his galactic mustache, "reevaluating Ms. White Sexy Diamond's actions may reveal a deeper problem with your family. It could just be that Pink is imitating her, erm, grandmother."

[One man by the name of Johnathan claps, he is sitting in row 2 column 4]

"We have to trust him, Yellow." Blue sided with the TV show host, "It's the only way." Yellow rolled her eyes and sighed deeply.

"Now!" GDP walked around, studying each male that showed up, "Steven is clearly outta this rodeo because he's a wee lad, and White Diamond is his great grandmother or some bullsh*t."

Galactic Doctor Phil took a whiff of Greg's skullet.

"This one hasn't had sex in around fourteen years." GDP stated with confidence, "Nobody who has s*x uses Walmart shampoo."

[GDP faces the screen with the Dreamworks face]

"All I know is that if the father is that Ronaldo boy from earlier, this'll be the first Galactic Doctor Phil episode to feature an abortion!"

[Uproariously laughter from the audience, and Martha and Bill]

"Speaking of abortions," Galactic Doctor Phil gestured to his audience to calm down for his next zinger, "where is that wannabe punk with the sh*tty haircut with the hot mom?"

[The wannabe punk with a sh*tty haircut comes running in]

"STEVEN!" The cotton candy looking ass grabbed the collar of Steven's shirt, "STUFF THAT GOES INTO MY HAIR COMES OUT OF THAT LION, RIGHT?"

"Y-yeah?" Steven leaned backwards.

"SH*T," The space captain grabbed Padparadscha's gem, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in Space Cancun."

[Lars jumps offstage and makes a break for it]

"Okay." GDP crossed another candidate off his list, "That had some disturbing implications."

[Camera switches to a scene of Yellow Diamond, sitting on a futon]

"I'm begining to question whether this man is a real doctor or not." Yellow crossed her legs, "I feel as if I have been wronged in some way."

[Camera switches back to reality]

"Okay," GDP held his hands together, "Lets relay your backstory to see if it rings anyones bells."

[Image of White Diamond from the 70s shows up]

"It all started when Ms. White Sexy Diamond toured with Queen, starring as their lead triangle." A voiceover of GDP stated, "She decided to go back to her own planet and create her own race of people based on the human figure. This spawned the other three diamonds: Pink, Yellow, and Blue."

[Camera switches to the Cool Kids]

"Man." Jenny did Buck's nails, "We f*cking love Queen."

[Image of Pink running away from White]

"Pink, the most rebellious of the three, decided to run away from home after realizing her mother cared more about her band than she did about her."

[Image of Rose Quartz looking very angry, her face adorned with tattoos: A small Greg under her eye, "H U M A N I T Y" across her forehead, and Mickey Mouse jerking off on her chin]

"This caused Pink Diamond to spiral down and create her Soundcloud rapper persona: Lil' Rosey Quartz, as a way to express her feelings."

[Rose's 'song' 'Diamonds' starts playing]

"B*tches think that they can't breakable,

Think they ass is cakeable,

Tell them my new t*tties are shakeable,

So go off and rakeable."

[Switch to shot of Steven]

Steven fiddled with his hands, unsure of how to feel about his mom being the same kind of degenerate he turned Sadie into. Things were not looking good for him.

"So, Steven?" Galactic Doctor Phil asked, "What is that?"

Galactic Doctor Phil pointed at a budding Soundcloud tattoo on Steven's right cheek.

[Commercial break begins]


	6. Steven, Sadie, and Soundcloud

[Commercial break ends]

[It is revealed everyone held their position during the commercial break for dramatic effect]

Sweat dropped from Steven's face, as it did from his palms.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about." Steven coughed into his hand, revealing that his spit creates Soundcloud-esque tattoos.

[Audience gasps]

"Wait a minute!" Garnet shouted, "This whole time? You were able to create Soundcloud rappers at will?"

"That explains everything!" Amethyst yelled as she revealed her 'Golf Dad' tattoo, "This sh*t appeared on my cheek three weeks ago, and I thought I was just trippin'."

"I ate Peridot's ass." Lapis said, "If anyone is wondering."

"No, no." Galactic Doctor Phil gestured everyone to calm down, "I have my own theory."

"Since the dawn of humanity, there has been a disease." Galactic Doctor Phil somberly said, "A disease that makes one think that looking like a deranged Walmart customer is cool. This disease could only come from a human, and what I'm trying to say is..."

GDP sharply inhaled.

"A Soundcloud rapper f*cked White Diamond."

[Whole room is silent]

"But wait a minute," Pearl stood up, "if Steven can turn people into Soundcloud rappers..." The gem cupped her hands around her mouth, "Thath meamth everyome ish ah Soundcloummh Whapph."

"I didn't get any of that." GDP admitted, "But I will tell you this: female Soundcloud rappers can get a woman pregnant by spitting mad bars during s*x. So truly, it could be anyone."

"Oh my Nirvana the Band the Show..." Sour Cream's third eye opened, "What if we all f*cked White Diamond?"

[Steven and Connie are guided outside once more]

"I'm going to f*ck all of you if you don't stop going off topic." Yellow stood up, "I'll be at the Taco Bell in Space Cancun, if anyone wants to dicuss Pink Diamond's abhorrent behavior with me."

[Yellow Diamond charges out the door]

[Audience boos]

"Goddamn," GDP brushed sweat from his forehead, "what does she expect me to do? Talk for 40 minutes about the same thing? Galactic Jesus." 

[Audience cheers]

"Anyways," GDP got up close and personal with Mr. Fryman, "I need to see who of you are Soundcloud rappers and who aren't to create a process of elimination."

[Montage of GDP checking everyone for Soundcloud tattoos]

"Alright." GDP solemly said, "If you do not have tattoo, please leave this Thunderdome."

[Bill, Martha, Lapis, Peridot, Blue Diamond, Mr Fryman, Barbara, Vidalia, Yellowtail, and Jenny leave]

"I am going to Space Cancun." Nanafua flipped her feather boa, "See you later, motherf*ckers."

[Nanafua is carried our of the Thunderdome by her bodygaurds]

"Babe..." Ruby gripped Sapphire's hand, "I'm sorry (skrrrt) I guess Steven's tears must've touched me at one point (uhuh)."

"It's okay." Sapphire kissed her wife, "I trust you baby."

[Sapphire leaves the Thunderdome]

[The Remaining Soundcloud Rappers duke it out in the Thunderdome]

"Sleigh Bells and Teenage Sass,

Tis' I Sour Cream,

The only creature with an inedible ass."

[Crowd cheers for Sour Cream]

"Uh huh,

Yeah

Uhuh." 

[Girls throw their 3D-printed uteri at Buck Dewey]

"You fuckers hate me,

Cuz you hate me,

But we both know

At night you masturbate t' me!"

[Several audience members attempt to leave, only to be dragged back in by the Galactic Doctor Phil Gaurds]

"None of these are the father" White Diamond sighed, "I wish I was in Space Cancun right now."

"Your mother is a promiscous woman,

Except in the case I am talking about Rose,

You think I care for the opinions of an obsolete human,

I am Pearl, Queen of the H*es!"

[Audience is silent]

"This is absolutely stupid,

I am not a Soundcloud rapper,

I am a respected medical doctor,

A liscence is only forged if you're caught,

I think YOU need a liscence,

If you want to be a thot."

[Audience whoops but only because they want a piece of Priyankas ass]

"Man I wish that little orange woman was here right now." Galactic Doctor Phil sighed.

"They're called Oompa Loompas, you insensitive [censored for offensive language]!" Shouted a voice from the audience.

"T-that's him!" White Diamond beamed, "My baby daddy!"

[Audience gasps]

"No f*cking way." Sour Cream and Buck unanimously said.

[Commerical Break begins]


	7. Space Cancun Run

[The Commercials of the Galactic Doctor Phil episode play a live recording of what's happening in Space Cancun]

When Parapadscha awoke, she was back on her ship. The cold steel against her face soothed her, as she remembered being in a medium sized room with many, many horrible people.

"Ah!" The pink human grabbed Padaparadscha's shoulders, "You're awake! I hate to do this, but it's urgent! What's Sadie's current status!?"

Parappa the Rapper then saw it. The young, plump woman. Her nude body looking like how the Greeks would sculpt aphrodite. Her hair the color of slightly past expiration date oatmeal. But-

"PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO PISS MYSELF AGAIN!" Lars shook MaxiPadparadascha, "SPIT IT OUT!

"I predict... That Sadie is spitting it out too."

"No..." Tears came from the young man's eyes, "I can't believe the Space Gigilos in Space Cancun would do this to her..."

"I predict that this is what Sadie wanted."

The tears just kept pouring, creating a slippery surface that would crack an unsuspecting gem.

"It's okay C'ptn." Rhodonite rubbed the Space Refugee's back, "It's not like your Pee-nice works anyways!"

"It worked half an hour ago," Cotton Candy Man wiped his eye using his cape, "I still have a half chub, but getting cucked is making it limp."

"I... Cuck... My... Self... Every..." Fluorite wiggled, "Day... You... Just... Need... To... Learn... To... Love... It..."

"Shut up you liberal cuck." Rutile one said as the two's shared body steered the ship into Space South America, "Just dump her, man."

"Hey that's not so easy." Rutile two retorted, "He's fused with her before."

"He fused with that sock of his too, but where is it now? Oh yeah, the vaccuum of Space."

The Space Captain without any credibility sighed.

"Yo, Maxipad?"

"Yes."

"Is she alright at least?"

"She's actually ontop right now."

The tears came even harder this time.

* * *

Space Cancun is near indisinguishable from Earth Cancun, other than the fact that they're completely different. The sky is always a pale, deep purple, the grotesque, teal  alien trees contrasting from it. The water is the most pure in the galaxy, being a stark baby blue that appeared to glow.

The lack of a rotational axis makes it so that Space Cancun is essentially an intergalactic party bus. If said bus was an indestructable planet.

Due to the lack of natural oxygen, carbon based lifeforms are given oxygen patches on their arms.

The Cottoncandy-nette and his inteprid crew land in Space Cancun, ready to fight.

"Padparadscha," Lars put his hand on the oompa loompa's shoulder, "What's Sadie's location?"

 "The Earthworm Jim resort." Padparadscha pointed north, "Over yonder."

All of their collective bladders steeled.

"Let's go pound some worm coochie." Lars took the first step, not for mankind, but for man with shitty haircut kind.

The resort was traditional by every sense of the word: Beautiful architecture, massive pool, and several naked statues of Wario. The door hung ten feet over Fluorite, the tallest Off Colour, excluding Padparadscha's big dick energy. But just as they tried to knock....

"I predict they knew we were coming" Padparadscha shouted as the Rutiles were immediately poofed. It was... no... it couldn't be...

"I aint going back to jail!" Rhodonite made a run for it back to the ship, leaving her crew to die. An extended hand grabbed the runaway and tossed her into space.

"Earthworm Jim!" Lars pointed dramatically, his cape flying into his face, "I should've known it was YOU cucking me and not the space gigilos!"

Earthworm Jim chuckled.

"You better leave here now... Unless you wanna take that L from your name and become Kars!"

"I don't know what that means!" The cottoncandynette revealed his shit anime taste, "I just want to save Sadie! I want to know why Lion was working with you!"

"Save Sadie?" Earthworm Jim circled the tenth worst character, "Shouldn't you have thought about that BEFORE you stole my Gucci spaceman fit? And Lion... put the pieces together and you'll realize."

Lars was speechless.

"See, I've been boning this near perfect latex replica of Sadie for the past 12 hours." Earthworm Jim explained, "I want to last long enough for the real thing."

"Oh yeah." The cottoncandynette had a revelation, "Sadie always told me she had a fetish for watching men bang latex replicas of herself while she cries in the closet. And.... AND THAT MEANS YOU HAVEN'T FUCKED HER YET!"

"So?" Earthworm Jim smirked.

"THAT MEANS THAT I CAN SUGGEST A BETTER SUITED WIFE FOR YOU!" The 'captain' turned to his massive blue comerade, "FLUORITE, GIVE HIM THE BEST OF YOUR JIGGLES!"

[Five minutes of Flurotie sensually worm dancing, as anthro-worms in this canon mate for life through dancing]

"Fuck!" Earthworm Jim screamed, "Shit!"

"What's wrong Earthworm Jim?" A smug smile painted the pink disaster's face, "Angry because you can no longer cuck me?"

"No!" Earthworm Jim exclaimed as he macked on Fluorite, "Because I was running for president of Space Cancun and marrying a human was the only way to get votes from space millenials!"

The cottoncandynette rolled his eyes.

"Okay? And?" He filed his nails, making sure he was ready for fingers in his ass sunday

"Don't you realize!?" Earthworm Jim shouted, "Galactic Doctor Phil currently has a 90% approval rating!"

The balding high school drop out raised an eyebrow.

"He's trying to turn Space Cancun into a reality TV show!"


	8. The Political Parties of Space Cancun

[The Galactic Doctor Phil TV flickers, and switches to a political debate]

"Welcome to the Space Cancun Run!" Midnight from Boku no Hero Acedemia, "In the Green Corner, we have the Human Party: Led by Nanafua, her running mate Ronaldo Fryman!"

"We believe all milfs should get their coochies pounded if they want it!" Nanafua shouted through a megaphone, "Space Cancun will be renamed Milf Paradise!"

"In the Yellow Corner, we have the Diamond Party: Yellow Diamond and her running mate Blue Diamond!"

 


	9. Galactic Doctor Phil Indefinite Hiatus

"Galactic Doctor Phil is on Indefinite Hiatus, Again." The post from The Square Chair read.

Jasper sighed, and went to grab a redbull from the fridge.

"Guess It'll be another year before they release another episode without warning and then wonder why the ratings are tanking." Jasper clicked out of Youtube and into Twitter, ready to look for better content to consume while on break.

Jasper read the title of the first Tweet she saw aloud.

"Ronaldo Fryman Found Dead in the Coochie Dungeon?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Coochie Dungeon is an integral part of the Calicornia Extended Universe.


End file.
